Moonless Night
by Green-Tutu
Summary: New Moon from Edward's POV. I talked to a lot of people who don't really understand why Edward left so I thought this would be a good idea xD Rated T just to be on the safe side!It obviously starts up as an miserable story and ends up happy : Review :
1. The End

**(****A/N As much as I wish I did, I do not own any of the Twilight Saga, that all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own Edward either, which sucks because he's fun to write (: Read and review…constructive criticism if you have any please or just compliments! Just review please xD****)**

Chapter 1 – The End

Her warm, delicate hand reached out towards me and my will just about crumbled to dust. Never before had I had to recruit so much of my self control to do something I did not want to do. Even that fateful day I had met her, when her scent had hit me harder than a lorry would hit a human at one hundred miles per hour, had I had to exert even a fraction of the control that I was using right now. I would have thought resisting the siren call that her blood was to me would have been the hardest thing to over come, but I had been so wrong. This was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my nearly one hundred and ten years on this Earth. To have to leave her knowing how much I loved her, how hard it would be for me to be apart from her and to have to stay away from her was unbearable and in all honesty I didn't have a clue how to not reach out to her and comfort her, how to turn round and run away from her. And as if to make this whole ordeal worse, I was leaving with her believing that I did not want her anymore, that I did not love her like I had before. I thought it would literally kill me to have to tell such a cruel, unbelievable, ludicrous lie, and I was convinced that I would have to argue with her for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in her mind. But she had believed me so easily! Just one small sentence had completely broken her faith in me, had completely destroyed everything we had had. How could she believe me after all the thousand times I had told her I loved her, had told her that I couldn't live without her? As if such a hideous concept was even imaginable. How could I ever exist where she wasn't? What was there for me without her? I knew the answer to those questions was that I could not, and there was nothing for me without her, nothing but agony. But those beautiful chocolate brown eyes had stared at me, assessing my calm and apparently emotionless expression for a long moment after I had spoken, and I could see it in those bottomless depths that she truly believed the heinous lie I had spoken, she truly believed that I didn't want her to come with me, that I didn't want to be near her anymore. It was blasphemy, blasphemy in its worst and darkest form. And it killed me to learn that she did believe the lie…

The rational part of my mind, the part that had compelled me to leave her in the first place was reminding me that despite how much this hurt me, this was what I had wanted, what I had hoped for and it was of course what I must do. I had to leave her to make it safe for her. Every second I was near her, I was unintentionally and unwillingly leading her into danger by bringing her into the world of vampires where to most she was merely a human whose blood smelled far too sweet for her own good. However, it didn't make it hurt any less to do it. It did not stop the searing agony that was ripping through me right now as my golden gaze fell to her out-stretched hand. I wanted so badly to reach for her, to wrap my marble arms around her and hold her, comfort her, but this would only make it worse for both of us. She needed, deserved, a clean break, the whole thing had already gone on too long. I had known from the start of our relationship that it was wrong to love her, but since I was essentially a selfish being, I had been utterly unable to stop myself. As much as I tried to deny it, she, as a human, was my natural prey and although my family and I may only hunt animals, the fact that I was the predator and she was the prey did not change so of course it was downright sinful for me to covet her the way I had, to covet her as a person and not her enticing blood. But I knew that I couldn't just walk away from her like this so I stepped towards her, and gently grabbed hold of her fragile wrist. As soon as I had made the move, I could see her eyes lighting up a little, like she thought I was reaching for her too, but of course I wasn't. My heart tore out of my chest as I pinned her thin arm back to her side. No pain in the world compared to this! My heart has not beat in ninety years but this was different, it was like I had no heart, like my chest was empty. No not just my chest, it was like I was empty but left with a huge gaping hole which ached. No, ached was not the right word, it wasn't strong enough to describe the ripping agony that rippled through my whole body.

For the last time ever, I stared down into those chocolate eyes which echoed the pain I felt and if possible the throbbing pain in my chest got worse to know that I was not only hurting myself but her as well. _It'll be better in the long run, _I reminded myself sternly. Well for her at least. As a last act, to leave myself with some sort of pleasant memory of the whole horrific nightmare, I leaned down and pressed my icy lips to her warm forehead for the briefest moment. I inhaled her alluring scent and for once in my life, I was morbidly overjoyed to feel the fiery burn of thirst which assaulted my throat. I would never smell this scent again, would never have her blood sing out to me like this, and that was why I welcomed the burn because it was the last time I would feel like this. Her eyes fluttered closed and I knew that this was my cue, my cue to leave her forever.

"Take care of yourself." I breathed in the softest voice I could manage, though it was in vain since the whisper still sounded strained and betrayed the agony coursing through me at that particular instant.

I knew I would not be able to leave if I really thought about why I was walking away from her in this exact moment, so I buried all my thoughts and focussed on the forest around me, I didn't even spare her another glance which I so longed to do, but seeing that beautiful, perfect face would only make it impossible to do. My body whipped itself round in the smallest fraction of a second and abruptly, I was running full tilt through the forest, knowing that I had left everything behind with her. Pushing those tortuous thoughts of what I had just done to her, to myself, I continued through the trees desperate to reach my home where I would be alone, alone to let this misery take me.

I could hear the sound of her stumbling and tripping in the distance as she tried to follow me and a wave of fresh pain hit me. She was trying to find me, trying to make me stay and this near enough overwhelmed me. I so badly wanted to stay with her, stay in Forks and never have to leave her ever, but I had made her a promise and I couldn't break that. _It will be as if I had never existed_ I had told her just minutes ago and already I was considering breaking it. She was better off without me; she would be safe and happy…eventually.

But, I could not just let her go wandering around in the dark forest alone, she would surely get lost and, knowing Bella, she would trip over something and injure herself. I knew that I had to do something to make sure that she would be okay, that someone would find her when she got so lost that she could not find her way back home, back to her father. However, I knew that if I followed the sound of her clumsy footsteps to find her myself that I would not be able to leave again, so I decided that I would have to go back to her house and leave Charlie an innocent note so that he could find her.

Without a second thought on the subject, and trying to ignore the horrible aching in my chest, I turned on my heel and near enough flew through the trees which separated me from the little house where she stayed, staying well clear of where I could hear her tripping feet. She was quite far away from the house which meant she was in no danger of seeing me, but it also meant that she would be much more difficult to find. I hoped against all hope that they would find her, perhaps I could ask Alice to look to the future to see if she was found or not. Alice wouldn't be happy with that, she was upset enough at having to leave Bella behind, but surely Bella's safety would be her priority too. Guilt suddenly crept up on me as I thought about how I had yelled at Alice the other day, forcing her to see things my way, forcing her to leave without telling Bella goodbye. Bella needed a clean break though, and if she thought that not only I had moved on, but Alice too then she would be forced to get over her ideas of becoming one of us and settle into a normal human life.

I slowed my pace to a normal human walk as I came to the edge of the trees just in case anyone happened to be walking past the Swan residence. My golden gaze flickered automatically to Bella's open window, my usual entrance to the house. Another sharp pain tore through me as I realised that I would never climb through that window again, I would never cuddle up with her while she slept and listen to her constant mumblings where she would tell me she loved me in her slumber. I pushed those thoughts out of my mind, which was far easier said than done, but I had to think straight now and the tearing agony which accompanied those memories didn't quite fit the bill.

As I reached the front door to her home, I reached up into the eaves where I knew the key was. Of course, I could have just climbed in the window as usual but I didn't know if I would be able to handle that…

I took a few deep, calming breaths and stepped into the cosy little house. More memories flooded my mind along with her scent which lingered here. It was such a sweet smell, almost flowery, like freesias; my favourite scent, and yet the one I hated most because it made it difficult for me to be around her. _Not that that would be a problem anymore, _I thought, a dejected sigh escaping through my cool, glassy lips. My eyes flickered towards the kitchen where I knew there was a pad of paper that Bella and Charlie took note of phone messages for each other. This seemed like a sensible place to write Charlie's note. In four of my blindingly fast, silent strides I was standing in front of the counter where the phone was, the pen in my hand. I knew her hand writing so well, just as I knew her so well so the note was easy to forge.

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path, back soon, B. _I scribbled quickly in her messy, scrawl like handwriting, knowing that Charlie wouldn't think twice about whether she had written it herself. I signed her own signature better than she did. And now to the next part of my task…I would have to take back everything I had ever given her, anything that would remind her too much of me, like photos. I had promised her that it would be like I had never been in her life, so that meant no reminders of me or my family.

With a heavy, gloomy sigh, I shrugged away from the counter which I had been unknowingly leaning on, though lightly of course since I would have crushed it if I had put all my weight on it. I didn't really want to have to go into her room, because I knew the second I did that I wouldn't be able to stop the flood of memories overwhelming me. I knew that I would surely break down there and would be utterly inconsolable, but of course, I had to do the job properly.

I trudged miserably up the stairs and into her familiar, messy room. My gaze took in every detail of her room in a second. It was virtually the same as it had been on the night of her birthday when she had slept in my arms. That was three days ago, and I hadn't been in her room since then. I had resisted the urge to trespass on her sleeping thoughts because it would only have made making the right, the moral decision that much harder when I heard her mumbling my name in her slumber.

Although I had been fully aware of what the decision meant, and although I was already feeling empty, aside from the terrible agony in my chest, the fact that I was really going to leave her behind did not dawn on me until this moment. The force of the wave of pain that hit me now was enough to knock the unneeded breath out of my body and knock me onto the floor. I had thought that leaving her there in the forest believing that I no longer cared for her was the worst feeling ever experienced, but that had nothing on this. I couldn't seem to catch my breath, not that I required the air, but it felt wrong to not breathe. In those brief seconds when I was able to catch my breath, I exhaled in loud, ripping sobs. Even though I had been a vampire for ninety years and I knew that I would never produce tears, it somehow still managed to unbalance me that desolate tears weren't gushing down my icy cheeks. I was inconsolable in that moment and for once in my pathetic existence, I was glad I was alone. Alice was hundreds of miles away in Alaska with Jasper, and although I knew she would be able to see my grief in her uncannily accurate visions of the future, she was too far away to come and attempt to comfort me. But her comforting would do nothing because she would only try and tell me that what I was doing was wrong, and my suffering showed this oh too well. So I lay there on her floor, letting the sheer pain wash through me.

***

I don't know how long I lay there curled up on the floor, letting the misery take over me, but I noticed suddenly that they sky outside was darkening. Night was coming, which meant Charlie would be back very soon. I had to do what I came here to do before he returned. I don't think he would appreciate coming home to find his daughter gone and to find me curled up in the foetal position on her wooden floor. I forced my breath to come back to normal, pushed all thoughts and memories aside and the pain was momentarily replaced by a soothing numbness. I felt nothing, and I welcomed this. Anything was better than that uncontrollable agony. I rose shakily to my feet which was near enough unheard for a vampire; we were naturally graceful and were always able to move with such athleticism. It felt strange to be so unstable; it caught me rather off guard. I gulped in one more breath as my eyes flickered around the room to find the things I was looking for. My golden eyes fell upon the scrap book Renee had given Bella for her birthday and I knew that the pictures she had taken of me would be in there. It took me one measly stride to reach it. I bent down and scooped it up, flicking the cover over to reveal the first picture there. It was me, the day of her birthday, sitting in her kitchen clearly amused by her as I usually was. It was hard to believe that just three days ago I had been the happiest person on this forsaken planet. That was of course until my own brother attempted to kill my love. I gulped silently and snatched out the picture, unable to look at myself and remember how amazing I had felt that day.

It didn't take me long to go through the book and discard any pictures that I was in, refusing to acknowledge the obvious differences between myself in the first picture to all the ones proceeding it and ignoring how awkward Bella and I had looked together in the picture Charlie had insisted on taking of us. I then carefully placed the book back on the floor, the photos in my hand; before I turned to the stereo where I knew the CD I had made her with all my compositions on it would still be. And sure enough there it was, still inside the hi-fi, where I had put it so she could listen to it that night. I felt horrible for taking this away from her because this was the only gift she had ever accepted from me. But hearing her lullaby along with various other songs I had composed would do nothing but break her heart all over again. So reluctantly, I reached into the CD player and extracted the CD and piled that on top of the pictures in my other hand. Just one more thing left to get. The tickets that Esme and Carlisle had bought for her to go and visit her mother in Jacksonville, but of course they had bought me one too, so that was another unnecessary reminder that I had to get rid of. The box was luckily sitting on her bedside table where she had left it after she opened it, so I siezed it mechanically.

My mind was currently in a furious battle; my selfishness versus what was right. I so badly wanted to leave these things with her, just so she would remember me. Although I knew she had to forget me, I just couldn't bear knowing that she no longer thought of me. But she needed rid of everything to do with me so she could move on with her life, be normal, forget about the monsters that no doubt haunted her every thought. However, I countered in my own mind, would it be so wrong if I hid these things somewhere where she probably wouldn't find them for years? By the time she found them, she would no doubt have gotten over me…

I didn't need any more convincing than that. I fell to my knees again and ducked under her bed, easily pulling up one of the floor boards. I felt no resistance whatsoever; my strength was much greater than that of a meagre nail. I carefully stowed all of the pictures, the CD and the little box with the voucher for flights in the small space and replaced the wood, though now of course it was loose. If she ever moved her bed then she would see it…

I sighed lightly once more, convinced now that I had done the best I could do and I turned for the open window, tensed my muscles as my back arched into a low crouch and I leapt lithely out of it, landing without a jolt on the ground outside, like a cat. Without a backward glance at the house so the memories would not force themselves into the forefront of my mind and pull me back under into my deep depression. I was glad now that I had come back, because I noticed for the first time that I had left my car sitting outside her house. Clearly I was paying no attention when I had arrived at her house, and obviously in the forest, I had been too absorbed in my own grief to remember how I had got to her house in the first place after school. I was glad that I didn't have to return to the huge white mansion house buried deep in the forest where my family and I had lived until a few days ago. I was in no mood to take another painful trip down memory lane.

As I walked round to the driver's side of my silver Volvo, I ranged my hearing out to see if I could hear her stumbling through the forest still. I could just make out the faint sound of her clumsy steps miles out. She was deep in the forest now and I started to panic that she wouldn't be found for days, or worse never found at all. No of course she would be found, even if that meant that I had to get Alice to go and get her…

I shook my head, dispelling the panic and the morbid thoughts as I pulled open the door and stepped into the car. I had to believe she would be okay, and I knew that she would be one day. She was the most kind, caring, _perfect_ person I had ever met so she was sure to find someone who could love her as much as she deserved. I knew that I would always love her, even if I never saw her again and even if she didn't love me any more.

My eyes focussed on the road as I turned the keys in the ignition, hearing the familiar, soothing purr of the engine. I shoved it into drive, backed out of her driveway and then I was gone…


	2. Destruction

**(****A/N As much as I wish I did, I do not own any of the Twilight Saga, that all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own Edward either, which sucks because he's fun to write (:**

**Read and review…please! Sorry for the delay…writers block!)**

Chapter 2 – Destruction

Every strangled breath I took gave birth to another violent shake rippling through my broken body. My hands were clenched tight to the steering wheel as my eyes stared unseeingly out of the windshield at the road which was disappearing underneath my speeding tyres. All I could picture was her beautiful face crumpling in grief as I delivered that shattering line "I don't want you", the way her usually blushing cheeks had turned ghostly pale as the line sank in would be an image that I knew would haunt me for the rest of eternity. _Or as long as I would continue with this measly existence on this planet_, I amended in my mind. I knew, or thought, hoped, that I would be able to live without her, but I knew that as soon as she ceased to exist, then I must too. To know that she was still alive somewhere would be the only comforting thought to get me through this blackest night that my life had become just mere hours ago.

The little, seemingly inconsequential town of Forks was hundreds of miles behind me despite the fact that I had not been paying any attention to where I was going, or to the time. I really didn't know where I was going. My whole family had joined Alice and Jasper in Alaska after I had made the decision to leave Bella. I, however, was heading in the completely opposite direction, without having consciously made the decision to do so. But as I thought about it now, going to my family was not the best idea at the moment. I knew that I was a mess, an agonized, ruined creature who was utterly inconsolable and bordering on becoming out of control. No-one deserved to see that, especially not my family, the ones I loved.

Although, thanks to my heightened vampire senses, I did not need to watch the road, I decided that I would need to pull over soon. My whole marble frame was vibrating forcefully as tortuous, choking sobs ripped out of my aching, empty chest. Pretty soon, even my instincts would be clouded; pretty soon this crushing grief would completely overwhelm every part of me. Going to a motel would be idiotic frankly since I didn't need to rest, I needed to vent this anguish, had to get rid of it before it completely ate me up. I needed to loose control of myself entirely, which meant being somewhere where humans were not.

My tortured golden eyes scanned the forest which encroached silently on either side of the deserted freeway, looking for some kind of dirt track or a break in the trees where I could safely park my car. Not that I really cared about the car, but if I left it abandoned in the middle of the road, it would no doubt cause an accident. I may be a mere fraction of the person I had been three days ago, but that did not change my view on preserving human life. A few miles away, I could see a small break in the trees, just a big enough gap to dump my car while I retreated deep into the woods, out of sight from the road and any human life.

I took one hand off the steering wheel and wrapped it tightly around my torso in a vain attempt to soothe the pain. It felt like I was falling apart, like my body had shattered into a thousand little pieces which I was in grave danger of losing at any second. In reality, I knew this was ridiculous because I could see my stone chest, feel it and it was in no way broken; I was much too strong, physically, for that to happen.

The little break in the trees was approaching quickly, so I slowed the Volvo until it was at a slow enough speed that I could turn in without crashing, not that that would hurt me of course. I could almost feel a kind of relief running through me as I pulled into the little space, knowing that I didn't have to hold back my anger at myself, at what I was, that I no longer had to contain the absolute agony undulating through my surprisingly fragile feeling body.

I was out of the car and rushing through the forest before I had even taken another choking breath. I could feel what remained of my wavering self control slipping away with every one of my inhumanly quick strides and in all honesty, I was well past caring about what the outcome of losing hold of myself right here where any car on the road would hear the carnage I would cause. I could not stop my mind before it raced back to the fateful night where my whole world had been turned upside down by an immaterial piece of wrapping paper…

_

* * *

_

Bella accepted the silver wrapped square from Alice's outstretched hand that was from both of us, rolling those delightful brown eyes at me, clearly under the absurd impression that I had gone against her wishes and spent money on her birthday present. I didn't really understand why she refused to let me spend money on her, the one person I actually wanted to buy presents for and treat her like the queen she was, but alas she would always complain loudly if ever I tried. Her nonsensical behaviour annoyed me, but I never questioned it nor would I ever ignore any wishes that she had since my only desire was to make her entirely happy. I sighed lightly at her, a kind of exasperated sound but it would have been far too low for her to hear it and she slid her delicate little finger under the edge of the paper and she weakly tugged on it. Suddenly, as I drew in another breath, the scent of her alluring, fresh blood hit me so forcefully that it was rather like being hit full force with a battering ram. My breathing cut off immediately as the horrible tortuous fiery thirst assaulted my throat. Loving her would no stop me being overcome with the desire for her blood, it would not stop me hurting her or worse killing her, this much I knew. My mind was already locked in a fierce battle over her blood, my instincts telling me to pounce on her, while my rational, conscious side was warning me against it. But as she withdrew her finger from the paper, the tiniest drop of blood on the end, all thoughts of killing her immediately escaped my mind as Jasper's murderous thoughts registered with me. My protective instincts took over immediately and I launched myself towards Bella, not even pausing to think about how horribly fragile she was, I didn't have time.

"_No!" I roared as I collided with her, near enough throwing her across the room. There was a sickening, deafening crash as her tiny form smashed into the table which housed the insane number of crystal bowls that Alice had decided to use to decorate the room with. I flinched noticeably upon hearing the terrifying noise but I didn't have time to dwell on the outcome of flinging her breakable body out of the line of Jasper's attack. Within a fraction of a second, Jasper had crashed into me, a sound like two boulders ramming into each other but I did not notice the sound since Jasper's razor sharp, venom coated teeth were snapping just inches away from my face. I was durable, but his teeth would do me a great deal of damage if he managed to dig them into my skin, which I knew he would be able to do considering he was a skilled fighter. There was a menacing growling noise erupting from deep within Jasper's chest as his instincts took him over completely and told him to fight me for his prey, fight me for the human girl that I was protecting and would always protect no matter what it cost me._

_Before Jasper's teeth could find purchase on my skin, Emmett grabbed him from behind, restraining him easily with his immense strength. However, this did not stop Jasper's attempts to get to my love. He continued to struggle against Emmett's overpowering, unbreakable strength, his scarily empty eyes focussed on a terrified, dazed looking Bella, who, much to my horror, was drenched in her own blood. She must have cut herself on the shards of broken crystal._

_Although Jasper was the only one to physically react to Bella's exposed blood, my whole family was now craving what they knew they couldn't have. Carlisle was the only one who managed to remain calm. He, after all, had so much experience at dealing with human blood and he now almost didn't smell the intoxicating scent. Never in my life had I wished that I had that kind of control. I hated the fact that this monster was taking over me, willing me to launch myself at the woman I loved and kill her just to satiate my thirst. It was horrific and I wished for nothing more than to be completely devoid of the temptation that her blood brought to me._

"_Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." Carlisle demanded in a quiet yet authoritative voice as he attempted to relieve the situation as calmly as he possibly could. He was always able to remain so composed, no matter what was happening around him. I envied him that as well._

_"Come on, Jasper." Emmett agreed, wholly unamused for what had to be the first time in his existence. He was not smiling or trying to crack a joke. His thoughts betrayed nothing remotely amusing about this whole situation. Jasper was fighting a losing battle against Emmett's brute strength, but he continued to write about in his arms, turning his head to snap his teeth in Emmett's direction now instead. Smugly, Rosalie stepped towards Jasper and helped Emmett wrestle him out of the back door and into the fresh air where he would no doubt return to his senses. I was too concerned for Bella's welfare to ponder for long on what would become of Jasper now, instead I stepped towards her injured form, crouching defensively over her, a low warning growl escaping through my clenched teeth. I still wasn't breathing and I found it more than a little uncomfortable, however the alternative to my discomfort was much worse so I ignored it, pushing the memory of the scent of her fresh blood out of my mind. That was a disadvantage, or an advantage depending on how you looked at it, of being a vampire; your memory is impeccable and forgets nothing, not even a scent inhaled for the briefest second._

_The blood was even overwhelming poor, motherly, caring Esme but I was too frightened for Bella to register her as she quietly stepped outside_ _after Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie, calling out a strangled apology to Bella as she left. My terrified yet dangerous gaze fell upon Bella, quickly assessing the extent of the damage. She appeared to have sliced her forearm open. There was a scary amount of blood pooling on the floor beside her and on her shirt which was now ruined and there seemed to be a heck of a lot of glass wedged into the cut._

"_Let me by, Edward." Carlisle mumbled in a soothing voice and although I knew he was just trying to help, make the bleeding stop, my protective side refused to move, refused to leave Bella open to another attack. But I knew that if I did not move then she would lose too much blood and…die. And that was unacceptable. I knew I could not live in a world where she did not exist so my mind began another battle, trying to override my defensive instincts and let my father get to my Bella and treat her injuries. One glance down at her petrified expression was all it took for me to give up. I nodded and slowly relaxed from my crouch to stand straight again, my golden eyes not once leaving her face. I was hoping that by continuing to stare at her, I would be reminded of exactly why I could not act on my impulses, why I couldn't press my lips to that wound and drain her…_

_I shuddered unnoticeably at the thought just as Carlisle ducked down to examine the slash in her arm. Alice came over to us, towels in her tiny hands, but of course that wouldn't help. There was too much glass in the wound and it would just make it a whole lot worse. Carlisle confirmed this before he reached over to the table cloth and ripped a strip from it so he could make a tourniquet above the cut to stop the continual flow of bright red blood. This was becoming unbearable for me, but she needed me so I continued to fight against myself, pushing my self control to its limits, determined to be there for her. _

"_Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle asked her in a soft voice, determined to calm her down, though it did not appear to be working. She was still in a state of shock; I could read it on her face. She was so easy to read…and of course I knew exactly what her reply would be. She didn't disappoint and insisted that Carlisle treated her in the house. No doubt she wanted to keep what had happened a secret from her father who would only worry. _

_Alice disappeared to get Carlisle's first aid bag as I bent down and carefully pulled Bella up into my strong arms, cradling her gently against my chest, trying to not look at the blood or get it on my clothes, it would only make things that much more difficult for me. I couldn't help wondering what would have happened if she had been sensible and stayed away from me and my family, if she had stayed with her human friends and it had been them who she celebrated her birthday with. I knew immediately that she would have been much better off with the likes of Angela and Mike. What was the worst that could have happened with them? That they couldn't find a plaster? Or if she had fallen into the crystal bowls, as was quite likely with Bella, the worst thing that would happen would be her dripping blood in someone's car as they drove her to the ER. And for what I believed to be the second time in my measly existence, I longed to be a normal human boy, someone who brought absolutely no harm to this wonderful girl. _

_I had always known that it was wrong of me to love her, and I had known that she would be put in danger. I had learned that much from the encounter with James back in spring. But, although I knew deep down there was a chance, never had I imagined that any member of my family would pose a serious risk to her precious life. Jasper had always found it hard to be around the smell of human blood, but I had never expected him to be so close to killing Bella._

_As I carried her into the kitchen, Carlisle trailing along beside me, holding the tourniquet firmly to her arm, I began pondering what was right and wrong. I was mostly trying to keep my mind off the blood oozing out of her in torrents, but I also had some serious considerations to mull over. My moral side which I had all but buried in my quest to be with Bella was beginning to resurface, screaming at me that it had always been a bad idea to be near Bella and that I should leave her alone before she could get hurt more. But as was usual with me, there was the selfish, and for the time being, more dominant part of my mind that couldn't bear to be without her, that refused to leave her. I was in love with her and the pain inflicted from being apart from her would be too great. It was a poor excuse for what I was continually doing to her, but I couldn't help how I felt._

_I was only vaguely aware that Bella and Carlisle were speaking but I was too caught up in my own thoughts to register what they were saying. My face was frozen in an unreadable expression as I continued with my internal battle and studiously ignored what was happening in the present moment, other than to gently place Bella in a chair so Carlisle could get to work on her arm. I stood behind her chair in another defensive position, afraid to leave her unprotected now but Bella could tell that I was uncomfortable. _

"_Just go Edward." She sighed, not looking up at me, instead her eyes were intent on the floor, trying hard not to look at her wound. Part of me knew that she was right, I should go but I was too anxious to leave her, even though I knew she would be totally safe with Carlisle and Alice. Alice loved her too much to cause her any harm and Carlisle was so in control of his thirst that it bordered on being scary._

"_I can handle it." I insisted, noting that I was running low on air so I couldn't continue arguing for long unless I wanted to inhale and ruin the control that I was clinging to by my fingertips. I could feel how tight my jaw was and I knew that I was betraying how painful this was for me, but I didn't care, I wasn't going to leave her._

"_You don't need to be the hero." She countered, her voice sounding strained with what I assumed to be pain. And just as she finished speaking, she winced as Carlisle gently poked about in the wound. That made up my mind for sure._

"_I'll stay." I replied curtly in a tone that rang with finality, though I knew that she would just disregard this as she tended to do. And that was it for my oxygen, I could speak no more…Damn why couldn't my lungs hold more air. I would have groaned in frustration if I had been able to._

"_Why are you so masochistic?" She mumbled, a hint of annoyance betrayed in her otherwise soft, quiet tone. But she had always known that I was a masochist, that I would suffer any pain for her. And it was then that Carlisle decided to intervene, reminding me of Jasper. Alice and Bella both agreed quickly and I was not impressed that they were ganging up on me. I narrowed my eyes at the three of them but I knew they had a point. Jasper would be near enough inconsolable and I had to deal with my brother, calm down so that he was okay to be around Bella again, not that I planned to let her near him again any time soon. So I nodded and sprinted out of the door, feeling the wind whip my dishevelled bronze hair back._

_Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Esme were huddled together just beside the river and as Carlisle had predicted, he was indeed upset with himself and was refusing to listen to Emmett or Esme's reasoning. Rosalie was remaining silent, her thoughts arrogant as she reminded herself that she had predicted something like this happening when I had first fallen in love with Bella. I inhaled sharply and blew that breath out in a low hiss, directed at Rosalie. But of course Jasper in all his worry had assumed that I the noise was directed at him. I shook my head at Jasper whose head had snapped up, an apologetic, guilty looked etched on his pale face. Most people would blame him for what he had just done, but I couldn't find it in me to be angry at him. It was all my fault of course; I should not have brought Bella into our world. It was hard for everyone to ignore freshly spilt blood, but harder for Jasper since he was new to this life. I should not have dangled temptation in front of him._

_I sighed lightly as I slowly, for me, crossed the grass to them and as soon as I made the move towards them, Jasper began apologising though most of what he said was incoherent babble. He had to get it out of his system before he would listen to logic so I allowed him to go on with his rambling, stopping in front of him and crossing my arms across my marble chest. _

_It took several eternally long minutes for him to calm down enough to trail of into silence. I hadn't really listened to what he had to say because whatever it was it would have been wrong. He needed to understand the truth, and I was determined to make him do that, as much as he wouldn't agree with it. I inhaled deeply hoping that the fresh air would calm me somewhat and locked my serious golden gaze with his, hoping to convey my absolute sincerity when I spoke. I tended to be a truthful person when it came to my family so how could he doubt the words I was about to speak, and of course he would be able to read my emotions with his wonderful talent._

"_Jasper, please refrain from placing the blame on yourself." I began in a quiet yet firm voice, holding up one long, slender finger as I saw him about to interrupt me. "This whole thing was entirely my fault. I'm being completely honest when I say that I do not blame you for any of this. I should never have brought Bella into our world. I always knew it was dangerous and I always knew that just being around me posed a threat. We all found it hard to resist her blood when it was spilled in front of us. You are not weak and don't ever think it." I frowned a little, my eyebrows pulling together as I heard his thoughts. He was not ready to let this go, yet he couldn't doubt my open honesty with him and although I had told him he was not weak, he didn't believe me. He was convinced that he was pathetic and unworthy of my words; he felt like the chink in the chain._

"_I'm so sorry Edward." He replied quietly, his gaze flickering to the back door which had just opened as Alice came striding out as well, clearly overpowered by Bella's wonderfully enticing scent. "I mean her no harm but I couldn't help myself. I never want to hurt her, nor do I want to hurt you. I don't even know how to begin to make this up to you…" He trailed off again, looking lost as I again raised a finger to halt his flow of unnecessary apologies. By this time Alice had joined us, stopping lightly beside Jasper and wrapping her little arms around him, trying to soothe him. The bond between them was so strong that he was calmed instantly, just as I would no doubt be if Bella had done the same to me._

"_Jasper," Alice murmured serenely fixing her honey eyes on him. "Bella is going to be fine. Calm yourself down, everything will be okay." She promised in a light, yet sincere whisper. Jasper stared at his wife for a long moment and it was as though they were having a silent conversation before he eventually nodded. His thoughts were still riddled with guilt but for Alice's sake and for mine he chose not to voice his woes. _

_However, I could not agree with what Alice said. Everything was not going to be okay, not after what had happened. Something had to change…I had to remove the danger from around Bella, I had to put her welfare before my own…_

* * *

I came back to the present, all shreds of my control had vanished now and I couldn't see them ever feasibly returning to me. I had decided that night to leave her and now I had worked up the courage to do it. But I didn't dwell on that now; I had to let out my rage. The fury that was directed at myself for being such an idiot, and the anger that was directed at what I was…a monster, a vampire, dangerous.

With a fierce snarl, I lurched towards the nearest tree which was several hundred feet tall. A deafening ripping noise echoed through the nearby forest as I tore the tree up by the roots and launched it across the small space into a nearby tree. The impact caused a loud thunderous noise as the tree I had thrown and the one it had smashed into both broke into a thousand pieces…


	3. Pixies

**(****A/N As much as I wish I did, I do not own any of the Twilight Saga, that all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own Edward either, which sucks because he's fun to write (:**

**Why is it I have so many readers but like no reviews? :( Read and review…please! Italics in this chapter are thoughts, bold italics are visions xD)**

Chapter 3 – Pixies

The pile of wood splinters, or perhaps shavings would be a better description, had reached mountainous proportions in the short time I had been here. I'd lost count of how many trees I had uprooted and ripped unceremoniously to shreds and it was not relieving any of my anguish, pain or anger. If anything, I felt worse because I had finally let down the walls that I had carefully built since I had left Forks to conceal the pain and it was now washing over me in great powerful waves, dragging me under into the black, bottomless ocean that my life was now. What a pathetic existence. I felt completely drained for the first time since I had become a vampire. Vampires never got tired, but in this moment I had never felt so spent, never felt more…human. And yet, at the same time, I had never felt further from humanity. I, perversely, longed for salty tears to make tracks down my marble cheeks, but they would never come. I remembered crying as a child, and although it had given me a headache after a while, the tears had always made me feel better, let me get rid of some of the pain I was feeling at that time. I so longed for that release right now.

My hands slowly stilled on the thick branch I had been shredding as the realisation that this was doing me no good hit me. Channelling my emotions into something else just wasn't going to help this time. I knew now that I would have to live with this wretched agony for as long as I continued to dwell on this planet. Somehow I would have to find a way to work through it. I slowly, painfully came back to reality, came back to myself, carefully rebuilding the defences that I had so recklessly torn down in my attempt to vent some of my anguish. And as I came back to the present, to the pain coursing through my body, I heard a loud screaming in my mind. At first, I assumed that it was just my body protesting to the agony of being apart from her but after trying to calm down a little bit, I realised that the shriek in my mind was far to high pitched to ever belong to me, and it was then that I heard approaching footsteps. They were fast, light so I knew it was another vampire. The footsteps were so familiar that I instantly knew who it was. Alice. I should have known the future seeing pixie would come to find me.

Alice was the one member of my family who was, predictably, the least cooperative with what I had decided to do. From the day that she had had the vision of her and Bella being the best of friends she had loved her. She loved Bella almost as much as I did, but of course in an entirely different way. To Alice, Bella was like a sister, and Alice had always hoped that one day she would be, that one day Bella and I would get married, which of course I wanted more than anything in this world, but that could never be. From the moment I had all but forced her to leave with Jasper, Alice had been fuming with me and she had continually called me to try and talk me out of my plan but of course I had ignored her. If I had listened to her arguments then I never would have been able to muster the courage to leave. And even before I saw Alice, I knew she was angry; the incessant screeching coming from her mind was enough to tell me that much.

With a heavy sigh, I sunk to the ground in front of my the mess I had made to wait for her to reach me, it wouldn't take any longer than a few seconds; but granted, those few seconds were the longest of my life. I knew she deserved answers and I knew she deserved to make her views known, but in all honesty I wasn't prepared to relive what had happened back in the forest in Forks; I wasn't strong enough for that yet. But apparently Alice was too angry to wait until I had enough control to return to my family.

Her topaz eyes were blazing in sheer fury as she stepped into the little clearing I had created, her tiny little hands were balled into fists by her side, and surprisingly she was shaking from the strength of her emotions. She looked utterly livid and for the first time in the years since she had become part of our family, I was genuinely scared of the four foot eleven vampire standing a short distance away from where I was sat, glaring unwaveringly at me. Even the pain that was utterly unconcealed on my pale features didn't stop her anger, though I saw in my mind that she noticed how unlike my usual self I looked. There was a note of concern in her thoughts, but that was totally blocked out by her rage. I swear that if it was possible, her delicate face would be bright red. I couldn't help but flinch away from her wrath, my eyes falling to the floor. Would there be any end to the number of people I hurt?

"What the hell are you thinking, Edward?" She demanded, her voice filled with the anger I could hear in her thoughts. Her voice was so terrifying that I shivered involuntarily. I hated to think that it was my fault she was like this. She threw her arms up in the air in exasperation when I didn't look at her or respond. I didn't know what to tell her. All the reasons I had for breaking up with Bella were the ones I had already given my family, and clearly she did not agree with my thoughts. I inhaled sharply, attempting in vain to calm myself further but of course it just accentuated the horrific aching in my chest.

"Alice I had no choice." I began, speaking in a voice that was barely above a whisper. I did not trust my voice to go any higher than that, no-one needed to hear how much this was tearing me apart, especially not Alice. "Every second I was with her she was in danger. I can't bear to bring her into our world and put her in the path of blood-thirsty vampires. I should have left her when James tried to kill her, I should have been strong enough then to realise that our world wasn't for her." I hesitated a little, running a hand through my already messy bronze hair. "She deserves so much better than what we can offer her. She's human and we are not, we can't expect her to give up her humanity for us." Alice opened her mouth to protest that it was Bella's choice and not ours but I raised one finger to ask her to remain silent until I was finished. "I know what you're thinking, and yes she might think that she wants this, but could you honestly condone allowing her to become one of the eternally thirsty?" As I asked her this question, my agonized golden gaze lifted to lock with her still harsh, outraged eyes.

Alice's breath huffed out as she folded her arms stubbornly across her tiny frame, her expression becoming one of defiance mixed with her unswerving irritation. Her thoughts betrayed that she didn't agree with my question, she was still convinced that this was Bella's decision and no others. But could she not see how downright selfish that would be of us to let her become one of us? I had been a vampire for ninety years now and I still was unconvinced that this was an existence worth living; a soulless, worthless life that turned even the kindest of us into monsters. I didn't give Alice a chance to voice her thoughts, I merely continued on as if she had spoken aloud.

"She deserves better than this Alice. She deserves a shot at humanity, a chance to lead a happy human life surrounded by people who can be human with her. She deserves to find someone who can be with her without him fighting a constant battle to not kill her. She deserves to have children, grandchildren and live her life in peace. Alice, I can't offer her any of that which is why I had to leave, why we all had to leave. She needed a clean break and as cruel as it may be now, she had to think that none of us cared anymore because then she can move on, get on with living her life. It's easier in the long run, and one day I know she'll be happy. She is human after all and time heals any kind of wounds for their kind." I explained, my voice starting off in a whisper and gradually building to one of boldness, one of persuasion. I was desperate to make Alice see things from my point of view because it would be so much easier to have her wholly on my side. This time, she didn't give me a chance to hear her thoughts before she spoke them aloud.

"But Edward," Alice countered in a surprisingly calm voice. She must have realised that getting angry wasn't going to get her anywhere. "We both know that Bella isn't just another human. She's special! When has she ever reacted to anything how you think she will? What makes you think that this time her reaction will be what you think?"

I let out a long, dejected and slightly frustrated sigh before pulling in a deep breath, trying to clutch desperately to what little piece of me I had left. I was glad that Alice was at least trying to somewhat control her anger, it made me feel somewhat more at ease, though of course I couldn't get away from the incessant ache in my chest. Deep down, I knew that everything she was saying was right. Bella wasn't just some average human girl, she was special and she was mysterious. I couldn't deny that much because that was after all what had drawn me to her in the first place. In the short time I had known her, she had never once reacted to anything as I expected her to. When she had found out that I was a vampire, a blood thirsty fiend who had been so close to killing her that first day in biology, she hadn't run from me screaming as she went as I had thought she would. No, she had told me that she didn't care what I was, that it didn't matter to her. And although part of me had rejoiced at her words that night because I wanted nothing more than to be with her, the rational, ethical part of my mind had reminded me that this was not right, that I shouldn't love her and she shouldn't care for me, that she should be running to get away from me because that was what would make her safe, and of course her happiness, wellbeing came before anything else. And this was of course why I had left, and I certainly wasn't going to give up without a fight.

I wrapped my arm around my chest again, trying to hold myself together somehow. I didn't really understand why I was doing it, but it made me feel just a little bit better, helped me to control the pain somewhat even though I knew it was irrational. And just as I did that, I noticed Alice's expression change from one of controlled anger to one which echoed the agony which continued to assault my body. I had always known that she would be in just as much pain as I was but seeing the evident suffering on her little pixie face just made it all that more painful for me. I had never meant to hurt anyone, not really. I just wanted my love to have a chance at normality and I knew that would hurt me, but I didn't want to hurt my family as well.

_Edward, you look like hell, _she whispered in her mind, all hints of anger had completely vanished from her thoughts. And in her mind, I could see my face as she saw it, and I looked awful. I was, if possible, even paler than my usual pale and my features were contorted into a mask of agony. I looked like I had been stabbed repeatedly with a serrated blade, run over by a car and drowned in acid all at the same time. And even that was not a strong enough indicator of how frightfully awful I looked, nor was it even an echo on what I was feeling.

Shaking my head as if to dispel my feelings, though of course that was pointless, I got slowly to my feet, closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms tight around my favourite sister. "I'm so sorry Alice. I have to do what I think is right. I never meant to hurt you." I murmured in her ear as she wrapped her little arms around my waist, trying to comfort me. With a sharp stab to the area where my heart should be, I realised that it wasn't her strong, cold arms that I wanted to find comfort in, but it was an equally tiny but weak, warm, soft pair of human arms that I wanted. I wanted Bella's arms and no-one else's felt right anymore. And just as my mind realised this, Alice's mind was suddenly filled with a vision, a shift in the future. I was outside Bella's house, steeling myself to go into her room and beg her to take me back.

"No!" I gasped, pulling away from her, my eyes widening a little in shock. "No, I can't." I mumbled to myself, burying the realisation I had just come to while in Alice's arms. Going back was wrong on so many levels, and I was adamant that I would not break my promise to her, not without trying my hardest to let her find happiness without me first.

Alice's eyes were still glazed over as I watched her, though I was no longer listening to her visions. But her expression had shifted from one of shock, and unadulterated happiness at what she had seen me doing, to one of sheer fury mixed with the same agony that had come to light just moments ago. I realised, with a horrible jolt, that my refusal to give into the future must have sparked a different vision so I quickly tuned back into her vision and was floored by what I saw, literally. My knees buckled below me and I sank to the ground, sobs ripping their way out of my broken chest.

_**Tears overwhelmed her as she flicked the cover of the scrapbook Renee had given her for her eighteenth and she saw that the first photo was missing. She didn't even bother to look any further, knowing that all traces of Edward would be gone, he would have been quite thorough. Bella knew that Edward would keep his promise, and although she had known all along that he would never be back, part of her had hoped. But after seeing this, she knew that never again would she feel his cold, strong arms around her, never again would she stare into those dazzling gold eyes. And with that, she discarded the scrapbook and sank to the floor as she sank down into the pain just as Edward had.**_

By the time Alice's vision had finished and she had snapped back to reality with the same livid expression on her face, I was well past noticing. I was literally screaming and writhing on the grass in pure agony. The consequences of my actions didn't really hit me until I saw what would happen to Bella. She would have been crushed, I had accepted that, but I had never wanted to see it, never wanted to see how much I had hurt her. My chest flared again, making it impossible to breathe once more. Part of me was singing that they were going to find her, that she was going to be safe but that didn't detract from the overall feeling of anguish.

"Alice," I croaked in a breathless, strained voice. "Please don't look for her future again. Please leave her alone. Please do it for me?" I begged, my tortured eyes glancing up at her to see her expression soften in concern for me. She didn't want to hurt me, and although it was hurting her, this whole ordeal, she would do anything for me. I could still tell in her thoughts that she was totally against what I was doing, but she knew that I wouldn't put myself, put Bella through this unless I genuinely believed I was doing what was right, so she nodded slowly and held her hand out to me.

"I know you want to run away from everything, but please come and at least say goodbye to everyone. Esme is beside herself with worry, and Jasper still blames himself for what happened. You and I may have told him numerous times that it wasn't his fault, but you know him, he feels weak and unworthy. At least come back and help me to put his conscious at ease just a little?" She pleaded when I didn't move immediately to take her hand. And of course she was right, I did plan to flee and never look back, at least until I could get some kind of normality back in my life. But my family did deserve and explanation and they did deserve to know that I loved them and didn't blame any of them for what happened, not even Jasper so I nodded slowly, took her hand and let her pull me to my feet.


End file.
